Gentleman’s Apparatus for the Destruction of Autochthonic Wildlife, circa 1896
May 7th, 2009 | by Squire. Published in For the Gent
During the fall of 1895 Michael Flannigan made several trips to Woodstock to lay plans for one of his most successful inventions, The Oxford Curd Gird. Woodstock was famed for its dairy cattle, and the sight of these majestic bovines inspired Flannigan as he piloted his Flannigan Flyer down the bucolic lanes of Oxford County.
Gentleman's Apparatus for the Destruction of Authochthonic Wildlife
He became somewhat of a cow aficionado, and made extensive sketches of the beasts in his spare time. He also noticed that indigenous wildlife seemed quite calm around them. On one such occasion, Sir Harold Bjornwowgnwha (a noted anti-naturalist of mixed Welsh and Norwegian ancestry) was unable to get close enough to a flock of geese to dispatch them.
And so the Gentleman’s Apparatus for the Destruction of Autochthonic Wildlife was born.
Though there was initial enthusiasm for the new “Decow” in the indigenous fauna eradication set, problems emerged. First of all arguments about who would get the coveted front position led to the dissolution of life-long hunting partnerships and in one unfortunate instance, and exchange of buckshot at point-blank range. Flannigan tried to rectify this by instituting the “gut flap” (#9 on the patent papers, pictured above.)
Alas, this was not enough to mollify the “backenders”, especially after the incident in Campbell’s Field, where the unfortunate Cecil Bufrompé was “serviced” by a passing bull, and then later “milked” by a strapping and debauched farmhand from Strathroy.
Flannigan tried to integrate this as a feature (#19 on the patent papers), but even the most jaded huntsmen were unimpressed.
–”Scholarship” by The Squire